There are times that I often wonder, how did I get here, why am I here, Is there more that I should be doing, and if so what?
You see I know my life has a purpose but I have really just started questioning myself. You see I sit home day after day night after night and I feel as though life is passing me by. I feel as though I'm simply existing and not living. There are so many things that I want to do, so many things I have tried to do or even just thought about doing, but I feel like a failure at times because as I look back on all the things I've thought about they have just been that "thoughts". I've never really looked at myself as being a bad or horrible person, because I've always been loving and caring. But isn't if funny how some of your strong suits can also be your biggest faults. You know I say that because some of the things I'm going through could have been prevented had I not been trying to help out people I loved and I thought loved me back.
I sit here and I have some many ideas going through my head that I would love to share with someone but I have to understand that not everyone will share my dreams or even be happy for me when I tell them about my dreams and my desires. So because of me knowing that I have became a loner. Someone who goes to work and come home to her kids and never go anywhere else until it's time to go to work again the next day. You see I wonder when a person is there for everyone else when they have problems or are in need, who does that person turn to when they need someone to simply listen. What do you do when you have had to be strong since the age of 13 and everyone else has leaned on you for everything. What do you do when that person needs someone but no one is ever there. I mean they are there but they simply won't take the time to listen to you as you have them so many times before. What do you do? Where do you turn?
Everyone sees the smile plastered on my face but no one sees the pain that is etched on my heart. No one sees the scars that have been left behind by all the feet that have trampled over me. Family, friends, associtates, exes. No one sees the tears that I cry because I've taught myself to always smile through my pain. Always smile like I haven't a care in the world. Or maybe they do see but they choose to turn a blind eyes, you know see and don't see, because it's not them. It's not their heart that has been stitched together so many times it looks like a road map. It's not their feelings being hurt by the words they speak or the actions they perform. You see it's not them so why should they care. Simply because you care, well no it doesn't work like that. After so much mistreatment you would think that my heart would be harden by now but for some reason God won't allow that to happen. I continue to pray for those that used me, I continue to pray for those who have abandoned me when I needed them the most, I continue to pray for those who look down on me and said I would be never be anything. You see I learned years ago that even though words are powerful God word is the final say so, and His word overshadows what others have once said or even thought about me.
People will say well you shouldn't let others get you down or pay any attention to what they say, well as we all know easier said then done. Especially when some of those people saying those things are very close to you. But I have come to realize that I can't live my life for people, I can't live my life waiting on others to validate who I am because the thing is this; I will never be who they want me to be, but I will always be who God planned for me to be, and that is enough for me.
Loving Me First!